Q.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs — they’re always taking things literally. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship. That way, when you criticize them, they won't be able to hear you from that far away. The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? All the music is performed by cover bands. It's not the end of the world. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law?
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? Not for the baby but because she’s one of my skinniest friends. I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. I really hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves. If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge? by Stephen. I was addicted to the hokey pokey… but thankfully, I turned myself around. OK, first shirt again. A pig stands in front of an electric socket: “Oh no, who put you into that wall? I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke. I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence. I own the world's worst thesaurus.
If people say they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and ask, To be clear, do you know how reading works?
Phone. Did you hear about the crook who stole a calendar? Never criticize someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace. And I’m really excited.
The other day I asked the banker to check my balance, so she pushed me. Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud. On occasion, we also use cookies to collect information from our toddlers, but that’s a totally different thing.
I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure if I ever went there, I could get by. During the night, the tape skipped. You have a perception problem. Please stop calling us your “squad,” Linda; this is book club.
Nice shirt.
I have a hunch, it might be me. That is wrong on so many different levels.” — Tim Vine “I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.” —Will Marsh “People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.” — Abi Roberts “A thesaurus is great. I've just written a song about tortillas; actually, it’s more of a rap. 250 lbs here on Earth is 94.5 lbs on Mercury.
So what if I don't know what "Armageddon" means?
You have two parts of the brain, “left” and “right” — in the left side, there’s nothing right and in the right side, there’s nothing left. I hate necks.” — Steve Martin Need to know ASAP. Smoking will kill you… Bacon will kill you… And yet, smoking bacon will cure it. The best thing about good old days is that we were neither good nor old. Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!” Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!” When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. Instagram is just Twitter for people who go outside. Steal these classic one-liner jokes in our collection of the best one-liner jokes from experts in funny like Milton Berle and Conan O’Brien.I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time-consuming.I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time-consuming.
Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage. No, I’m not walking on string-cheese stilts. A perfectionist walked into a bar...apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough. Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. Riveting!” — Stewart Francis “People who like trance music are very persistent.
o O o. I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me. The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Plus, you'll have their shoes.
Have you played the updated kids' game? I think it's pretty cool how the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos. He didn’t get hurt because it was a soft drink.
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.
Get daily updates, kick-ass content, and curated recommendations.Get daily updates, kick-ass content, and curated recommendations.Get daily updates, kick-ass content, and curated recommendations.We use cookies to collect information from your browser to personalize content and perform site analytics. I Spy With My Little Eye . “The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.” – Demetri Martin When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic. I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts’ which, on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it’s just not right. But I laugh more. I haven’t decided yet.” – Stewart Francis “The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.” – Jay Leno “I have a lot of growing up to do. I like to hold hands at the movies… which always seems to startle strangers. I wrote a song about a tortilla.
The trick is not to form an emotional bond. Where are all these extra single socks coming from?
I’m trying to get into classical music, but I can’t find any original recordings. I have clean conscience. Nice shirt. Restaurant In Peace.
I saw a sign that said “watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.” Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Yeah, I’d probably freak out too if a raven flew into my house. Wow. 4. How do you get a … I hope there’s no pop quiz at the class trip to the Coca Cola factory.
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